


What Really Happened

by FabulaRasa



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-16
Updated: 2010-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-07 07:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabulaRasa/pseuds/FabulaRasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years later, Sirius tries to make sense of whatever it was that drove Peter into the arms of the Dark Lord -- and faces his own potential responsibility.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Really Happened

‎"Sirius."‎

‎"Hmm."‎

‎"D'you have any fags left?"‎

Sirius yawned and groped towards the crumpled cellophane on the nightstand. "Stay ‎away from the things, Pete. They're no good for you. Not your style, anyway."‎

‎"Shut up and toss 'em here. And give me a light while you're at it."‎

‎"Smoking in bed is no good for you, either."‎

‎"Thank you very much, Mr. Public Health," Peter replied with a grin. He coughed a little ‎on the first drag. "Good God, Sirius, don't suppose you could smoke lights or something."‎

‎"And what would be the point of that, exactly?"‎

‎"This is like sucking staples." He reached behind him and propped himself better on the ‎pillow. He regarded the moonlight thoughtfully. "It was beautiful today, wasn't it?"‎

‎"Yeah, that it was."‎

‎"You looked awfully distinguished."‎

‎"Well, naturally." Sirius turned and pulled the covers round him a bit tighter. "We ought ‎to get some sleep."‎

‎"Whatever for? We can sleep as late as we want. Haven't got anywhere to be all day ‎tomorrow – and a bloody good thing, too, since I expect we'll both be nursing ‎tremendous hangovers. Not as bad as Remus's, though," he said with a giggle.‎

‎"Yeah, he seemed to be having a good time," came the sleepy reply.‎

Peter smoked in silence for a while, enjoying the faint fiery crackle of his cigarette's tip in ‎the dark. After a while he nudged Sirius.‎

‎"Hey. You asleep?"‎

‎"Trying to be."‎

‎"Didn't Lily look amazing?"‎

‎"Amazing."‎

Only the bedside clock and Peter's shifting broke the silence.‎

‎"Sirius."‎

‎"What."‎

‎"I had a really good time tonight, too."‎

‎"Glad to hear it. Now shut up and let me sleep before I'm forced to smother you with the ‎bedsheet."‎

‎"Sirius."‎

‎"God, what?"‎

‎"You haven't said if you had a good time tonight."‎

This time the silence stretched so long Peter thought he really might be asleep. The ‎cigarette was starting to make him feel ill, but he was glad of something to do with his ‎hands.‎

‎"I did have a good time, Pete."‎

‎"I meant afterwards, here."‎

‎"I know. That's what I meant, too."‎

‎"Oh. All right, then. I was thinking, you know, that all of a sudden you didn't seem like, ‎well, you were terribly thrilled, or something."‎

The voice in the dark was heavy. "I'm just tired, Pete. It was a long day."‎

‎"Yeah." Peter stubbed his cigarette out on the rim of the bed and tossed it into the corner. ‎‎"Y'know, Sirius, I don't mind being consolation prize. But you don't have to be so bloody ‎obvious about it, is all."‎

Sirius rolled over at that and blinked into the dark. "I'm sorry."‎

Peter chewed his lip and waited for the denial, the refutation that he knew wouldn't ‎come. He had known it wouldn't come, even as he was inviting it. Begging for it.‎

‎"Yeah. Well. 'S okay." His chest pounded with the weight of the unasked question. All ‎those years of wondering, as he watched the two of them together. And this was as much ‎confirmation as he would ever get, or ever ask for. "Anyway, James looked really happy."‎

‎"Yeah."‎

‎"It's good – it's a good thing when people find each other, make each other happy, ‎y'know?"‎

There was no answer but the squeaking of the bedsprings as Sirius turned back over. "Get ‎some sleep, all right?"‎

Peter stared into the dark, knees drawn up. It felt like there were too many things in his ‎chest at once. "You ought to be happy for him," he whispered.‎

Sirius sat bolt upright and reached for his trousers on the floor. "Right. That's it. I'm going ‎back to my room."‎

‎"Go, then." He watched Sirius grab up the rest of his clothes and rummage for the tuxedo ‎jacket behind the chair. "I guess I'm supposed to feel lucky you came back to my room ‎and not Remus's."‎

Sirius straightened. "Remus isn't queer."‎

‎"Yeah, well, neither is James, apparently."‎

Sirius blinked mutely at him, the rumpled jacket in his hand. "Fuck you," he said softly.‎

Peter plucked at the blanket and watched his life tip in the balance. _Get the fuck out of ‎here_, he weighed saying. _Go on, you selfish prick_. But then he looked up and saw Sirius ‎Black standing half-naked across the room from him, and knew he hadn't the strength for ‎it. Not when all he had ever wanted was right here in this room. Not when Sirius's eyes ‎looked like that, like a dog half run over on the side of the road. He kicked back the ‎blanket and was across the room in a bound.‎

‎"Shit, Sirius, I'm sorry. I didn't – fuck. I say all the wrong things. I just – I want you to ‎stay. Stay, please."‎

Sirius hung his head. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Pete."‎

‎"And since when do you care about that?" He gave the boyish grin under his too-long ‎bangs that he knew made Sirius want to tousle his hair, and saw his victory in Sirius's ‎grudging smile.‎

‎"You gonna let me get some sleep?"‎

‎"I dunno." He cocked his head and deepened his grin. "You sure you want to sleep?" ‎And before he could let himself stop to think, he stepped forward and kissed Sirius, full ‎on the mouth. Not like before, when he had let himself be led. He poured all the ‎confidence he didn't feel into the kiss. _Kissing him, I'm kissing him_, he thought dizzily. ‎And he's kissing me back.‎

Afterwards, when Sirius was finally and really asleep, sprawled over three quarters of the ‎bed, Peter stayed awake as long as he could, just to watch him. He stroked a tentative ‎hand down the long pale back that gently rose and fell. As he closed his eyes he saw ‎James's face swimming in the room's shadows, grinning, watching them, and in the ‎darkness, where lying was no longer possible, he felt a surge of pure hate.‎

* * *

  
‎  
‎"And that's what you think happened?"‎

‎"I know that's what happened. I was there."‎

‎"You really think Pettigrew vowed his life to the Dark Lord and resolved to destroy ‎James Potter, all because he was hopelessly infatuated with you."‎

‎"Well, you make it sound ridiculous."‎

‎"It is ridiculous. And egomaniacal, among other things."‎

‎"No." Sirius rolled over in the dark. "It's not that. Don't you see? They're dead because I ‎couldn't keep my dick in my pants. What could be more pathetic than that?"‎

‎"Is that a rhetorical question?"‎

‎"No."‎

‎"Then I'll tell you." His lover propped his head on his hand and frowned down at him. ‎‎"Believing that you are responsible for what happened. That would be more pathetic. ‎Believing that everything bad has a single, simple beginning. That would be more ‎pathetic."‎

‎"I fucked up."‎

‎"Very probably." He flopped back heavily on the pillows. "And now can we please, ‎please get some sleep. It is one of my life's many ironies that every year I am forced to re-‎live a wedding to which I wasn't invited in the first place."‎

‎"Well, it wasn't very good liquor. Lily's parents were temperance advocates."‎

He heard the smile in the answering voice. "Go to sleep, you idiot."‎


End file.
